That weight thing

Depending on how you know me, it may come as either a huge suprise or no suprise at all, but here is the naked truth: I'm one of those girls. You know, one of those girls who has struggled with her weight since... well, pretty much as long as I can remember being aware of the concept.

Let's not get into the gritty details. I've been a bit of a yo-yo er. Sometimes it's been under control by exercise and sports, and other times it's been out of control - for many reasons. And let's face it, if you're a chick, and maybe if you're a dude, you've probably had some of the same issues. You may be underweight, overweight, eating disordered, athlete, curvy, skinny, big-boned.....



Prom 2005 -
a skinny, 17 year old Christine - about 145 pounds.
(I feel like I look like a bobble-head
 from this tiem period)



Personally, I'm a little bit of everything. My body was never meant to weight 120 pounds. Or even 140. I tend to build muscle tone pretty easily, and I have hips, breasts, a wide ribcage (I blame a good set of lungs from swimming) and massive calves.

New Years 2010/2011 - quite a bit more than 145 - and 7 weeks pregnant
(I literally had to go through my friends facbook albums -
because apparently there are no pictures of my face since then -
only my belly...)

These questions have often occupied my mind: How does my self esteem affect my weight issues? How do my weight issues affect my self esteem? Where did it start, and where does it end?

We've all had those days where "I feel fat and ugly." - "No one likes me." or "starting tomorrow I'm never eating pizza again...!" and my personal favorite "...but since my diet doesn't start until tomorrow, I'm finishing up this pizza, and this cake..."



And so pregnancy has brought up a whole batch of new thoughts. Sometimes I joke around with the question "Pregnant or fat?" But to be honest, it's been a while since I've felt this at ease with a growing and changing body. It sounds so cheesy in writing, but it's true. My body is supposed to be this way, and it's a tiny miracle every day. My body is supposed to be growing; something would be very wrong if I wasn't getting bigger. I've always laughed when I heard it in the past, but it really does seem like my body was made for this. Like it has found a purpose, something that comes so naturally that is just has to be right.

Some days the insecurities hit me, because I want the whole world to be able to see, really see, that my protruding belly is a BABY, and not a beer belly or the result of too many cookies. But I know with myself that this isn't the way I usually look, and most days I love the round, very womanly shape I have acquired. My hips are slightly wider (hard to believe THAT was actually possible), my belly is rounding and protruding, and I have a, well, pretty nice rack. Ahem. 

So the change is that the past many months I have actually spent much more time loving my body than I ever have before. Perhaps because I've been slightly more health conscious in my diet, yet still allowing myself cookies, chocolate milk, ice cream, and potato chips (whenever little dude demands it...). I've incorporated very mild exercise - light swimming, long walks outside, biking around for errands.

Will this continue post-baby? Will I learn to love and appreciate a post-pregnant body, stretchmarks, baby-belly, extra skin and all? And why can't we just all love and appreciate our bodies for the natural miracles they really are, pregnant or not, old or young, every single day?