Since I am the ultimate procrastinator, I decided to write this little piece while I was working on a real paper on Communism in Czechoslovakia in 1945.
No worries, the real paper is actually academic and turned out pretty well. This satire piece is not meant seriously in any way and was just something funny to do while I was taking a break from the real writing. Enjoy?:
In 1945 the world was a dark and gloomy place and the Czechs were willing to do whatever it took to brighten their lives, which is why they sold their souls to the evil communists from the Soviet Union. The reason the Czech wienies were willing to give up everything for a slice of freedom was because they were non-American. Being non-American is the root of all evil. In this paper, I will demonstrate why I do not care about Czechoslovakia and why anything non-American is non-important.
America, Fuck Yeah!!!
At first I was not going to write this paper because the topic was not America and because it was related to something entirely non-American. Then I decided to take this opportunity to use Czechoslovakia, Communism, and all things non-American to highlight the greatness that is America.
Non-Americans are not important to the world, but they are important to communism. Without non-Americans, there would be no communism. Actually, there would be no evil or bad in the world without non-Americans. The only good thing to come from Non-America is French fries, and they are not even truly French.
Communism feeds off of non-Americans. This is why there is no communism in America, but there is or has been communism nearly everywhere else. There was once a communism scare in America, but that was only because there were too many non-Americans gaining too much power. McCarthy took care of them in a wild and crazy communism witch hunt.
However, communism does have one valuable point: it highlights the greatness of American capitalism. We would have no concept of how totally awesome we are in America without something really lame to compare ourselves too. We can’t all be as awesome as we are in America.
Czechoslovakia is not important, not just because they are non-American, but also because they are a bunch of non-American commies. They sit over there on their red commie assess thinking they are important, when in reality they are nothing compared to America.
Speaking of red commies asses, how aboot them Canadians? They just don’t understand that this isn’t aboot diplomacy, it’s aboot respect. Canadians are a bunch of commies who do not give a fuck about our planet or about recycling. Recycling is a purely American invention and since Canadians blatantly ignore it they are openly disrespecting all things American and are promoting communism.
Canada is also close to Alaska, and since Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house, there are probably Russians sneaking into Canada through Alaska every single day trying to infiltrate and further communism-ify the Canadian government. Sarah Palin may have been the potential V-PILF, but she could never tell a Russian Commie from a pit-bull, lipstick or no lipstick.
Eventually, the Russian commies will start sneaking into America by hiding in barrels and rolling down the rivers and eventually down the Niagara Falls. Once they are safely in New York they will try to create another red scare by pouring 5000 pounds of red dye through the Niagara Falls. We will not catch them until they eventually make a mistake by falsely believing that President Obama is a commie in disguise as well as an Arab terrorist trying to reinforce Muslim values and communism. When they try to befriend him, Obama will see right through them and sentence them to a lifetime of servitude on former President Bush’s ranch in Texas. Speaking of non-Americans, Texas is like a Mecca for Mexican commies and drug lords. The swine flu was probably invented by the Mexican commie drug lords in an attempt to replicate the American flu, which is far superior.
However, none of these points are truly important considering they only regard non-Americans (well, except for Bush, but let’s be honest here, we all kind of wish we could banish HIM to Canada. Poor Canadians, as if they don’t have enough to deal with without having Bush on their hands).
In conclusion, America rules, non-America drools. Czechoslovakia is communist because they are weak and non-American, Russia is right there with them, Mexico gave us the swine flu, and Canada is just jealous because we got Niagara Falls.
The End!
