on being utterly unremarkable

Something I had been thinking about for a few days was mentioned to me the other day, and inspired me to write about it. It was something along the lines of: Being blonde doesn’t have quite the same effect in Denmark.

I had to agree. Not that I am the most stunning person in the world, but being blonde/blue-eyed and being able to cutesy-it-up has certainly had its benefits. I’ve definitely batted my eyes and smiled my way through a lot of stuff over time, gotten my share of free drinks, talked my way out of a speeding ticket, etc. (I’m not going to lie, sometimes I’ve contemplated adding in a ‘fake’ accent just to see what the effect might have been). In the US if you are a girl and even somewhat attractive, you’re guaranteed some male attention. It’s actually pretty good for the self esteem.

Now, I am surrounded by tall, blonde, blue-eyes, beauties. I walk into a room and immediately feel inferior to the Amazon women walking around with their long blonde hair and their long skinny legs, always immaculately dressed and accessorized, ability to drink the average Irish man under the table and at the same time seem completely oblivious to their beauty.

To make things worse, it makes life a lot harder when you no longer come with an entourage. I’ve been spoiled these past years, having always been surrounded by a posse of fun, beautiful girls and lots of fun guys. When you come as a group, you can always just make fun of the prettier girls; you can have fun and smile and pretend you are the coolest people in any setting just because you come as a group.

Anyway, it’s just another adjustment I have to make. I’m not trying to say that Americans are ugly or I’m ugly or trying to fish for compliments. I’m just saying that the stereotypes about Scandinavians are absolutely true; it’s like walking around in a sea of blonde. It’s hard to stand out in a crowd. Maybe I should finally dye my hair purple like I’ve been talking about for years? ;o)

Also, remember how I talked about Sidney Lee in my last post? I was wrong about him. He is actually a ‘professional gamer,’ not whatever I said he was. He is also a part of this show “singleliv.” It’s impossible to properly describe this guy, but he is everywhere, everyone knows who he is, and everyone talks about him. This weekend, probably 10 different people have told me (on their own) some version of the following: “Well it doesn’t sound like you’ve acquired an American accent, like Sidney Lee did…..”


Oooh Denmark.

on being culturally illiterate

As many of you know, and will be eternally amused by, there are many things about the English language and the American culture that I don’t understand and several that I may never understand. There are things like the cartoons you watched as a kid, the fads that were in through your middle school years, or just the pronunciation of less commonly used words such as Braille.

However hard I’ve worked at properly adapting and integrating into American culture, there are just some things that are will always be lost in translation if you miss out on a few critical years. While I spent my much of my childhood and my early teens in Denmark, my peers went through 3-9 grade. That’s most of elementary school, all of middle school, and the first year of high school. Even though I certainly had it easier that many people I know that had to enter high school without any experience of the language or culture, there are many things I don’t understand and many conversations that go over my head.
Anyway, we’ve all had our laughs over the fact that I missed out on some American education. Some of it’s even been funny for me.

But I’ve always considered myself a little bit of an expert on Danish culture, having nearly grown up over here and all, but had a rude awakening to Danish Pop culture within my first few days here. Apparently a lot happens when you leave for a few years. So the past few days I’ve been on a self-taught intensive Danish Pop Culture course. I’ve learned a lot! And I’m willing to share with you guys:

• Nik&Jay: a Danish rap duo. Even though they started gaining popularity right before I left 7 years, their still going strong and are (surprisingly enough) probably the most popular/well known musicians in the country. I have to give them some credit for that though, for two white guy rappers, they’ve remained on top for a really long time. Every few years, whenever I return to Denmark, I hear their songs all over the radio, TV and nightclubs, and I’ve once again come to the conclusion that A. all their songs sound alike, B. their not very attractive, and C. they are not very good. (Also, I’ve been using the TV to catch up on my Danish music, because surprisingly enough, it seems that there are two channels that ACTUALLY PLAY MUSIC and music videos. It’s not MTV, of course, but VH1 and The Voice. They show nonstop music videos, usually organized into themes (think, Michael Jackson or “Dance party”) or hit lists (think European top 40 or top 10 club).
• “De unge modre” (the young mothers): this is exactly what it sounds like. It’s kind of like the Danish version of the MTV show “16 and pregnant” except it focuses on the lives of the mothers and their children as they grow up together. Cute. I’ve been told it’s one of the shows to watch (along with ‘singleliv’) and I already get the appeal: they make me cringe and never want to reproduce. It seems deliciously trashy and worthless; thereby making it perfect for me.
• “Singleliv” (singlelife): I’m still not quite sure what the point of this show is. It follows single people as they go on dates. From the short moments I’ve seen, it seems kind of awkward. You’ll have to give me some time for this one. But I’m working on it!
• “Baronessen flytter ind” (the Baroness moves in): So a few years ago, this Baroness gained fame after her and her husband invited the cameras into their castle to film their lives. Then they got divorced and for some reason, probably because her expensive habits are quickly causing her to go broke, she signed up for this new show. It most closely resembles a very odd version of “Wifeswap.” This is the concept: Baroness chooses random family, hopefully one that’s a bit odd. Baroness moves into house. Wife moves into castle for 4 days of pampering, makovers, and luxury. Baroness sees how real household works. Baroness tries to make some sort of change to the house (redecorates living room, changes husbands haircut, teaches kids expensive habits). Wife comes back home. Everyone is happy.
• Sidney Lee: This guy is a character. He’s a professional Reality Television Personality. Now who ever heard of such a thing? He spent a few years in the US and now speaks with a perpetual slight American accent. You’ll really just have to see him to really get it, because I still don’t.
  
  All right, I’m out. School and such!

maybe this time it'll stick

Heyyy yalll

I haven’t had a proper blog in a really long time. Do you guys remember the days when everyone had a Xanga? Yea, me too. I’ve tried to start up blogs since then but it never seemed to stick. Anyway, Erin inspired me to start this one up again. I’ve had it for a while and clearly don’t ever actually update it.

I figured this could be a good way to let people know of my adventures as I travel to Denmark and start school again. I can’t imagine that my posts will be themed or particularly intelligent or interesting. It’ll just be me. Pure me (and I know you can’t get enough of me =)).

So anyway! I leave on Sunday, which is only 5 days away. By the time I wake up tomorrow, it’s only 4 days away. I have yet to start packing. I have laundry to do. A lot of stuff from the brothel is still standing in the garage that needs to be sorted. My room needs to be cleaned. I have several dates and appointments set and errands to run. My birthday dinner is tomorrow night and my going away party is Friday night. I have a lot to do. Yet, I just started a blog. Go figure. This week is kind of like Finals week: no sleep, lots of caffeine, too much stuff to do.

On the note: I’m going to go do something productive. Although most likely it just means I’ll be going to bed and watch some late night television. Man, I’m going to miss the quality late night television from here. And Freddy Fries. We should go to Freddies one day!

It's that time of year again....

.... yup, it's true, it's FINALS WEEK!
The most dreaded time of year. For me it usually means sleep deprivation, liters upon liters of coffee, and compulsively checking facebook. Sometimes I do a bit of studying as well.

"Today we salute you stressed out college student during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on starbucks & adderall, you think to yourself, am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life? The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage, I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Summer is just days away, and your prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold bud light after that last exam, because for most of us, June will be spent in rehab."

Baby Lyla!

This beautiful baby is Lyla Sage. Her mother is my friend Tiffany.
The first picture is taken at age: 1 day
The next two are from when she was about 12 hours old.

America....

Since I am the ultimate procrastinator, I decided to write this little piece while I was working on a real paper on Communism in Czechoslovakia in 1945.
No worries, the real paper is actually academic and turned out pretty well. This satire piece is not meant seriously in any way and was just something funny to do while I was taking a break from the real writing. Enjoy?:


In 1945 the world was a dark and gloomy place and the Czechs were willing to do whatever it took to brighten their lives, which is why they sold their souls to the evil communists from the Soviet Union. The reason the Czech wienies were willing to give up everything for a slice of freedom was because they were non-American. Being non-American is the root of all evil. In this paper, I will demonstrate why I do not care about Czechoslovakia and why anything non-American is non-important.
America, Fuck Yeah!!!

At first I was not going to write this paper because the topic was not America and because it was related to something entirely non-American. Then I decided to take this opportunity to use Czechoslovakia, Communism, and all things non-American to highlight the greatness that is America.

Non-Americans are not important to the world, but they are important to communism. Without non-Americans, there would be no communism. Actually, there would be no evil or bad in the world without non-Americans. The only good thing to come from Non-America is French fries, and they are not even truly French.

Communism feeds off of non-Americans. This is why there is no communism in America, but there is or has been communism nearly everywhere else. There was once a communism scare in America, but that was only because there were too many non-Americans gaining too much power. McCarthy took care of them in a wild and crazy communism witch hunt.

However, communism does have one valuable point: it highlights the greatness of American capitalism. We would have no concept of how totally awesome we are in America without something really lame to compare ourselves too. We can’t all be as awesome as we are in America.

Czechoslovakia is not important, not just because they are non-American, but also because they are a bunch of non-American commies. They sit over there on their red commie assess thinking they are important, when in reality they are nothing compared to America.

Speaking of red commies asses, how aboot them Canadians? They just don’t understand that this isn’t aboot diplomacy, it’s aboot respect. Canadians are a bunch of commies who do not give a fuck about our planet or about recycling. Recycling is a purely American invention and since Canadians blatantly ignore it they are openly disrespecting all things American and are promoting communism.

Canada is also close to Alaska, and since Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house, there are probably Russians sneaking into Canada through Alaska every single day trying to infiltrate and further communism-ify the Canadian government. Sarah Palin may have been the potential V-PILF, but she could never tell a Russian Commie from a pit-bull, lipstick or no lipstick.
Eventually, the Russian commies will start sneaking into America by hiding in barrels and rolling down the rivers and eventually down the Niagara Falls. Once they are safely in New York they will try to create another red scare by pouring 5000 pounds of red dye through the Niagara Falls. We will not catch them until they eventually make a mistake by falsely believing that President Obama is a commie in disguise as well as an Arab terrorist trying to reinforce Muslim values and communism. When they try to befriend him, Obama will see right through them and sentence them to a lifetime of servitude on former President Bush’s ranch in Texas. Speaking of non-Americans, Texas is like a Mecca for Mexican commies and drug lords. The swine flu was probably invented by the Mexican commie drug lords in an attempt to replicate the American flu, which is far superior.

However, none of these points are truly important considering they only regard non-Americans (well, except for Bush, but let’s be honest here, we all kind of wish we could banish HIM to Canada. Poor Canadians, as if they don’t have enough to deal with without having Bush on their hands).

In conclusion, America rules, non-America drools. Czechoslovakia is communist because they are weak and non-American, Russia is right there with them, Mexico gave us the swine flu, and Canada is just jealous because we got Niagara Falls.
The End!

The future for the brothel?

It has come to my attention that none of my roommates ever want to graduate or grow up. This resulted in Heather and I creating a glorious plan for how we are going to live after we all graduate.

Sarah knows this dude who owns a lot of land, so she is going to marry him so that they have acres upon acres of land. Then, we are going to build our own commune. We will all have our own cabins, houses, townhouses, or whatever else we want to live in. Underground tunnels will connect everything and the only thing on the paths will be golf carts.

The main thing on the commune is going to be the lodge, which is going to be the greatest house on earth; kind of like the playboy mansion but better! There will be an industrial size kitchen for us to cook our family dinners, and a chef for when we don’t want to cook our own food. There is going to be a really big living room with a giant fireplace and lots of big comfy armchairs and sofas. There is going to be a pillow room, where the only furniture will be pillows and blankets (perfect for pillow fights!). In the basement we will have our own movie theater with really comfortable chairs, popcorn, candy and a bar. The most important thing is that there will be a fully stocked bar in every room.

We are going to make our money from living on the commune. We’ll create our own petting zoo and scales & tails show, where Sarah can teach everyone about animals. There’s going to be pets running around everywhere; lots of dogs and cats and horses, and a llama and a duck. Rachael and Amy will be the vets and they will assist Sarah in taking care of all the animal.


Heather and Katy will take care of our mental health and Laura will take care of our finances. Jessica and Weston will be badass and take care of security and international relations while I handle the press and our advertising to the public. Gerdes will mainly be in charge of inventing awesome stuff, pimping out our golf carts, building fires and brewing homemade beer.

And then, we will all live happily ever after!